its come down to it once again

and i don't know if i'll be as lucky this time. i wish i knew just how much this would effect me in the future. i wish i could say no sometimes. i wish i was as committed to myself as i am to others. i wish that i thought i was worth spending the time to actually succeed. to make sure that i didn't fall as hard as i am now. i wish i wasn't so quick to give up. so quick to fulfill your wishes before mine. so quick to lie to myself and believe every filthy word. sometimes i dream that i will be better. that this block will melt away all at once and that i will finally see myself for what i am. and i will make sure that i get what i deserve. good or bad. i just wish i could shake this feeling. this feeling of heaviness. physical heaviness upon my chest. anger. disappointment. pride. discouragement. sorrow. loss. empty happiness. but i can't. no matter what i do or how often i fill my time with mindless crap. every single activity i go to just seems to taunt me with that heavy feeling of doubt. fear. sadness. idleness. stubbornness. so i guess for now i will lie and make believe that all will be well. i'll hide everything down. or at least try to. i'll say that i'm just happy with the way things are and i'll smile. for me. and you could ask if i'm okay and i will reply that i am. And it won't be a lie because the majority of me will believe it. and i suppose next time will be better. but it won't be because of me. i will simply make sure things are easier to accomplish because i will have made it impossible to fail. yes. next time will be better. even if it is fake. even if i'm fake. but still, after all of this, i can't help but ask myself...

am i really cut out for this?

will i ever be worth success?

i guess it doesn't matter.

its five a.m. 

good morning

& goodnight