Letters

Father,
I know. I can see what i've done. I can see my faults. And despite the fact that i'm trying to act like its not a big deal I know that it is. I know that I need to reevaluate my life. To rededicate it to you. To listen to the promptings you give me and to not ignore them simply because its convenient to do so. I suppose I just get caught up in the here and now because its easier than stressing over eternity. But I know what I need to do now. And I promise that I will try even harder than before. But I need your help. I'm pleading for it. I'm ready. Ready to rely upon you and only you...
Sigh.
Thank you for the life you breathe into me each day.
For once I can honestly say that I am grateful for it.
I love you.

You, laying next to me,
I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. I'm proud of what you do with your passions, with your feelings. I'm proud of what you accomplish day after day. I don't know how you manage to balance everything. I admire your willingness to let all your guards down and to feel love. Even if it is questionable. It inspires me to be more real with the world. To be more real with myself. Thank you.
I can't wait to shout your name during that ceremony and show you just how proud I am.
I like you.

Neighbor from a room and a psycho away,
I wish you knew how much you meant to me. I look up to you you know. I want to someday be what you are. To someday feel ready, even in the slightest, to put in my papers. Or to care so passionately about anything as much as you do about your school work. And the way you can put up with certain insanity day after day even though your life has a way of bringing the hardships on strong just shows how christ like you are.
I admire you.
no big.

you,
I don't know why we ever got along. We're so different that its crazy that we're the same person. All I want is to be better than she was. To not be late for everything. To feel accomplished enough to feel better about my life. To not live through others. But you. All you want is sleep. All you want is idleness. Blood. Apathy. Numbing Pain.
But thats enough.
I've had enough.
I'm taking control.
My motivation will now manifest itself.
It might be too late for today but that won't stop me from tomorrow.
I'm going to conquer you.
You'll be gone soon enough.
Goodbye.

Best Friend,
Here we are. As always. Being the same in our individual ways. I understand. I was doing the same things. Trying to hide myself from the one person who would care the most, simply because I knew they'd make it into something bigger than it needed to be. Or possibly remind me that it is something worth freaking about... But I didn't like it. for once i hated being alone. Next time I'll simply say that I need to cry and that I will be okay. Or that I need you to go along with my fake smile because for once in my life its for me and not for everyone else. Day two. The second day that I might take back if I believed in that. But I won't. Because it was mostly me. See the thing is that I didn't know how to feel. I just knew that I was feeling again. You have a way of doing that. It only takes a look. A word. A phrase. One small thing and I can lose it all. Its like suddenly whatever is inside of me is trying its absolute hardest to get out. But a small skyscraper is being held up by my heaving chest. Its as if my whole torso is going to suddenly combust and implode at the same time. I'm still trying to figure out if its a good feeling or a bad one. I guess after not doing something for so long its easy to forget how to understand it. But i'm trying. And despite the feelings of anxiety I am very grateful for you and the feelings you allow me to feel. This is me healing. It's me being prepared for whatever is about to come. Me becoming the newest, better version of me. I can feel it. Day after day I feel a little more and sometimes its overwhelming but most times its exciting. Like exploring a world I've been to in some other existence. I tried to feel after everything that happened. But I couldn't will myself to entertain the possibility of hurting again. Losing again. Dying again. I had given up. And yet here you are, helping me do it without even trying. Its like I was finally happy killing my feelings forever. Never to be felt again. Merely mimicked and rehearsed whenever needed... But then your heart asked mine to try. To try and feel what you had to give. To attempt to return to life without the numbness. To trust that nothing bad would happen on purpose. And if and when it did, we would walk away together. shattered but stronger. And for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually cared. Like someone legitimately, honestly, truly, cared. And if you ask me, that someone is worth trying for.
So Thank you.
Thank you for being the one who saved me from myself.
You don't even know how much you've done.
I love you.

4 AM,
I hate you.