Realizations...

I hate that feeling you get, when you can tell something you don't like is going to happen.

When you can sense the climax to a downfall. But I guess it's not as bad as I feel like it is. It’s not an ancient civilization going into battle, but I feel like something is going to end. & I don't like that. For once I want to talk. I want to say how scared & paranoid I am about things that I shouldn't be thinking about. I don't want to think that if I tilt too far to the left my rib will poke a hole in my lungs. Normal people don't think about that sort of thing during math tests or movies. & I don't want to have to hold my breath & live in anxiety. It feels like there are prehistoric mammals from thousands of years ago stealthily trotting around in my abdomen. I want to feel all right, to do cartwheels & to swing around in circles on a tire swing & not throw up in front of a crowd. To not worry about the next mistake everyone in the world is making. I recently realized that the easiest way to lose something is to want it most. I’ve thought about it quite a lot. When I get a new thought, when I get a new anything, I think about it until I cant possibly think about anything else, & then suddenly new ideas reappear by staring at a carving in a desk for long enough. It feels like there's this huge metal barrier between everyone. This huge wall of sheet rock or something profuse blocking the globes vision. But maybe humankind is just worlds away. We're all our own tiny universes. Each globe is a continent & a new dimension. See? There I go, with my new ideas. I just want to think. To cry & laugh & sneeze all at once. I want someone to put a blanket over me while I sleep. That's all I ever wanted. Just someone to be there. Someone who would care. But I suppose we all want too much. Too many things. Things that are unrealistic. There are too many "too many" 's in the world. Or too many "not enough" 's. I wish I could make a detailed outline of all the different conspiracies & unsolved ideas there are. All the new thoughts we haven't opened up to yet. If you never think, you never change you're mind. But it seems like all we can do is change our mind. We pray about it, but we get pulled different ways. & When we lean, we just end up crashing in the other direction. We're always crashing, always wanting. The easiest way to lose something is to want it, & maybe the easiest way to get lost is to think. The climax of this civilization is ending, & I think I'm going somewhere far, far away.