Fairy Tales... Or something like them...

Once upon a time there was a girl. 
This girl had had a hard life. 
A life most people didn't know about. 
In fact there were only a few people that knew her for what she was.
On the outside she was always happy and full of excitement.
Sure she had days every so often where she'd break down. 
But She never complained and never took anything to heart.
Instead she would hide it so no one knew.
So that no one knew that on the inside, she was fighting a battle with herself.
All anyone ever saw was the outside.
The parts of her she allowed them to see. 
The parts of her that she knew people needed.
The parts she was proud of. 
She was always there for all those around her. 
From long talks to sitting in silence louder than the rain..
She was always there. 
For everyone except those who should have come first.
They were abandoned. 
Nearly forgotten sometimes. 
It wasn't because she didn't care. 
It wasn't because she didn't love.
It wasn't even because of the distance.
It was because she felt like she had to protect her heart from them.
From the hurt they could create within her. 
From the pain they felt.
She felt. 
She hid from the truth because it was easier than facing reality.
Reality that screamed uneasiness. 
Confusion. 
Deliberate restlessness.
But at the same time reality is what kept her. 
Kept her from floating into other worlds.
Kept her anchored here and never let her go.
And as it kept her, the days went on and she became gradually stronger. 
She was suddenly able to face the day without long, pain-filled nights. 
She slowly gained a confidence in her ability to withstand without letting the blade run across her skin. 
Yes, she had a problem with this. 
But its no matter.
She conquered that obstacle and was able to go on with life. 
Reality no longer had to force her to stay.
She was here by choice.
Living by choice.
Laughing by choice.
Saying all this by choice.
But even though she had come so far, she felt inadequate.
She didn't feel worthy enough to allow herself back in the lives of those that should have come first.
She knew they would forgive her.
She knew they had probably let her absence go unnoticed.
She knew that she was being too hard on herself.
But she couldn't stop. 
She had to find a way to make things right before she could immerse herself in them again.
And this day was far off. 
Of course she is making progress.
Of course she is trying.
Of course she will one day be able to be, actually be, with them again.
But that, is the only thing keeping her going these days. 
The wish that one day, She could be there for them, the way she is always there for everyone else.
And when that day comes she will be whole again. 
Whole.
Whole and full of life and laughter and tears.
Whole.
Until then. She is sorry.
And she's hoping that apologies won't be made last, for those who should have come first..