So i'm thinking that maybe this one will be a little more honest than I usually am. I realize that this will be read but i'm hoping it will be boring enough to lose in a battle against the latest youtube video calling for your attention. In fact feel free to stop reading and enjoy this group of videos instead.
Still here? Well than listen when I say that my life, right now, is complicated. It's filled with things that I set up in order to help me think less. I purposely fill every moment I spend awake with useless thoughtless things. Granted there are things I do, like film and create videos of my college life whether it be staged or not, among other things, that I do enjoy greatly.
But its always this moment.
This one I sit in now.
When all the world is asleep
and I lay here wishing
I had the courage to face my dreams
Just long enough to be fully capable for reality,
that I realize how bad it is.
How long can a person refuse to think about something before it eats them alive?
I lay here and my mind goes a million miles a second.
I try to close my eyes and I can actually see what i've been avoiding.
The visual is enough to send me back to reality
and refuse to ever close my eyes again.
So I fight sleep until I know that the time between laying down
and actually sleeping is less than a few moments.
This is why I don't sleep like a normal human being.
Exhaustion is what suits me.
It gets me through the nights
and into the mornings, where I wake up and realize,
I must face the same things all over again.
I'm the only one who suffers from this.
My grades are neglected.
My attendance shot.
My once clear dreams fogged with drowsiness.
My days are wasted in my bed.
And
i'm scared,
because even though I have changed so much this year,
my mind can't help but slip back to thoughts I hoped would never return.
Thoughts that I guess are similar to ones that have eerily been in the air a lot lately.
Sure I kept the box of release.
It was more for the memory that I made it through.
Not to ever be opened.
But every time I smile and say "good morning"
or laugh when I feel like crying,
another moment is forced onto my list of lies.
and secretly onto my mind as a build up of punishment.
I've tried to get things right with Heavenly Father.
But every time I make the call it's never answered.
The scriptures I guess would be good.
If I didn't feel like they would burn on contact.
My prayers, Only seem to be for others,
because I feel like asking for help now would be
asking for too much.
Now I know the stories.
The ones about not believing that you've gone too far.
I've made the comparisons and connected the dots.
I know the truth.
But none of it changes the thoughts in my head.
Now I know the stories.
The ones about not believing that you've gone too far.
I've made the comparisons and connected the dots.
I know the truth.
But none of it changes the thoughts in my head.
So the thoughts pile up and are screaming to be let out.
Itching to drip out of my body.
And with all of this weighing me down I don't know what to do anymore.
Tomorrow is always the day I will be better.
Here's to that day.
I suppose if you've payed any attention at all
you know that all this direct avoidance
and obvious double meaning is pointless.
But this is the blessed internet.
The least I could do is pretend to be normal.
unbroken.
happy.
confident.
sane.
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